Long Road to Ruin

by Stephanie

You know how most people don’t like to know the end of a book, TV show or a movie until they actually get there? Well I am not one of those people. I seek the spoilers. I like to know who gets kicked off American Idol before I watch it. I wanted to know what the hell happened on that Island! The fact that I already knew Bruce Willis was dead? Did NOT ruin the movie for me. And sometimes, when I’m really curious, I’ll flip to the end of a book and read the last few pages. Yep, I am that crazy. I just think that the ride is more enjoyable when I know the destination. I wish I could say that desire was reserved only for entertainment, but I give myself a lot of unnecessary anxiety constantly wondering what MY spoilers are. I want to know if I’ll snag that job, if I’ll ever be able to pay the mobsters at Sallie Mae, if that guy will ever get a clue, or if I’ll ever win that Oscar. Alright, that last one doesn’t give me much grief–obviously, I’m gonna win that Oscar. But unless Doc Brown shows up with his Delorean sometime soon, I’m probably gonna stay in the dark.
Which probably means that I need to learn to rest in the moment. Being a temp has been the perfect exercise in patience. After losing my job in January, I found “temporary” employment through one of those serendipitous moments that life sometimes brings us–on day one of unemployment no less. I didn’t even get a chance to wallow in sweat pants! But it being a temporary job, I’m never certain how long I’ll be employed. All I know is that I’m working in a much less toxic environment (another story for another day) and for the mean time, I have a paycheck. That has been my attitude since January and what was initially supposed to be a 3 week assignment has turned into a 6 month gig. And for the most part, I’ve kinda enjoyed the live-one-day-at-a-time mantra. But I’ve noticed lately that the little monster, anxiety, starts to creep up on me. I start worrying about how this is gonna play out. I see people cross, no flee, into the land of success, families, houses and Ipads, and I think “Will I ever be both pleasantly and gainfully employed?” Have I completely missed the boat on adulthood? Obviously I’d like to know these answers, but unfortunately I haven’t been able to find my spoilers on the internet.